The Autistic Explosion: What it is like from the inside
Guest Post by Robert Biales

I have been asked that I, as an adult Autistic, give an explanationof my motivation when I explode. I feel it might help others who endup on the receiving end of an explosion.

One of my jobs is working at a convenience store. One of the tasks is to take money out of the registers, count it out and then place it in a deposit bag. After this is done a cash check is performed. The cash check is counting the unsold instant lottery tickets and the cash in the safe and registers, then comparing the totals with the computer tallied expected totals. The work schedule lists who is supposed to perform the cash check at a certain time during the day. Usually, but not always the same person does the deposit as well.

Yesterday I had gone into work without having anything to eat. I was hungry. We do not take scheduled breaks but fit them in when we can, usually doing paperwork, like the cash check, while we eat. I was scheduled to do the cash check halfway through my shift. It seemed like the perfect union. I would eat while I did the deposit. I could wait until then. I had it all worked out in my mind. I had a plan. I did not inform anyone of my plan. I didn't think it was necessary.

When the time came to do the deposit I noticed that someone else was already doing it. OK! I can handle that. It just means I will need to eat when I do the cash check. It is only a few more minutes wait. So I wait. I still didn't mention anything to my co-workers. Why would I need to? I was scheduled to do the cash check. Everything was set and in place.

Then the other shoe dropped. Our manager decided he wanted to do the cash check and started doing so. How dare he? He is denying me my much needed food. Now I am going to have to wait even longer, maybe another 2 hours before I can eat. He thwarted my well crafted plans. I was upset. I was angry. I had enough sense and presence of mind not to meltdown right then and there but I am sure my face showed my feelings.

The manager commented on my look. I responded by informing him I was very hungry and had planned on eating while doing the cash check that he was doing and now I couldn't eat. Mind you that we were at a rare moment when there were 4 people working and the store can operate with only 2. The manager looked at me almost dumb-founded and replied, "Then why didn't you say, 'Hey I am really hungry and need to take a break'?" I felt foolish now. It sounded so simple. What happened wasn't a plot against me. What happened were people doing their thing without my providing input since I did not think it was necessary.

Feeling foolish when you are angry is not a good combination. I continued to work and stew until a couple minutes later when the manager returned and suggested I go take a break.

Autistics don't deal well with having their plans thwarted. For myself, at least, I do not feel it is always necessary to let others know what my plan is. I assume they will know, or figure it out or not get in the way. This action often leads to thwarted plans. Unfortunately when that happens our response is highly emotional. It is like revving an engine and quickly throwing it into gear. We are off and running without taking the time to assess the situation.

We are hyper-focused on our plan, the events we expect to happen and items that we expect to be there. This means when the plan changes we do not think, 'What changes do I need to make to get back on track?' Instead our emotional clutch kicks in and we are off riding the wave of outrage rather trying to adjust course. We feel things were changed deliberately to upset us.

Looking back on the situation I feel silly. Why did it not occur to me to say to someone, "Hey, we have coverage and I need to have something to eat before I pass out (or bite somebody's head off, or waste away to enormous (my manager's joke))"? I just did not see that as a possibility. The event was not an intentional thwarting of my will; I know that intellectually. Emotionally I have trouble withthat fact.

Robert

P.S.: Since I published this on the Internet there have been a few people who have made suggestions on how to solve this problem.

There are many parents of autistic children who would like to understand what is happening when their child has a meltdown. There are others who would like a reference from an expert that they can share with others to promote understanding. Finally, there are those who suffer along with me who need to see that this is what they are going through and that although the rest of the world does not act this way, they are not alone.

Please share this freely. I only request that you share the link and the author (I like recognition). If this post helps bring understanding to others it has done well. And to the helpful others I suggest reading the short story "Light Verse" by Isaac Asimov.